Lately I’ve been in a place where I feel like I’m giving so much of myself, with little to nothing to show for it. It’s not that I go about doing things with the expectation of receiving, but giving so much can sometimes leave me with a feeling of emptiness on the inside. I began to write down to myself the things that were bothering me. To my surprise, the things on my list all presented a similar pattern between them. And that pattern is, I’m not doing things that contribute to my own happiness. I’m only doing things that make others happy. For whatever reason, I am naturally a giver or a people pleaser. I avoid confrontation and I do what’s necessary to make others comfortable. While some may consider that to be a great attribute, it is also a not-so-great trait to have as well. Sacrificing your happiness for the comfort of others, can be destructive to your well-being. Let’s talk about it. 

Embarrassingly enough, I remember going on a job interview and telling the interviewer that I try my best to avoid confrontation. To this day, I am certain that is the reason for not getting the job. While it is not a lie that I try to avoid confrontation, I now realize how unimpressive of a statement that can be. Because avoiding confrontation can be synonymous with being a pushover. It may lead one to believe that this person doesn’t stand for anything. Or that they may let you get away with whatever they want. Consequently, the interviewer was led to believe those things and that is why this pattern can become so dangerous. It impacts more than just one aspect of your life and becomes a domino effect of bad qualities. 

The thing about not putting yourself first comes about very meticulously. It doesn’t happen overnight. It occurs in subtle, but repetitive situations. And over enough time, you lose a sense of the difference between the time in which you have to fight and the time in which a flight response is necessary. I’ve always been the one who would advise others to put themselves first. But up until now, I’ve never put my own advice into practice. I never truly understood what it meant to put myself first. And because of that, I never get out of my head. I worry often about what others think, how others perceive, and the opinions of people close and not-so-close to me. And this has conditioned me to put their feelings above my own. To the point where putting myself first, almost feels wrong. So how do I get out of that? How do I prevent myself from going overboard for something or someone that doesn’t contribute to my wellbeing? In short, you have to practice.

It takes time to learn how to say no to certain things. It also takes time to release the guilt of saying no. But in the long run, you will start to feel better. And the guilt will lessen to improve your self-esteem. Successfully making big changes in your life, can only happen in small steps. So reward yourself for every small step you take and do not be harsh on yourself if you fall backwards. Eventually you will look back on the times you fell backwards and see that it was an important part of where you are now. 

Only you know what feels good and what is comfortable, so it is your job to discern how to reach those feelings. The world we live in today is hellbent on trying to transform you into a version of yourself that does not feel worthy of happiness and success. But remaining true in your uniqueness despite those circumstances, is the greatest thing you could ever accomplish. 

-Bri ✌️

Photo by Artūras Kokorevas: https://www.pexels.com/photo/streets-of-porto-14699704/